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2003-03-24 - 9:55 a.m. - weekend


Things have been very, very difficult for me lately. I have so much going on right now that I can�t fuck up (ie school, work, moving) that I�ve made a pretty solid effort towards building a little barrier around my emotions and setting them aside on the shelf to be dealt with at a later time. This weekend somehow became a pretty severe attack on that idea, from different directions, two of which were quite unexpected.

Friday evening Allie and I scraped together what bits of cash we could and headed out to Synthetic to meet up with Beth, Emmett, Tollef, Alex and Diana. While spending money to get into a club to dance for an hour to music I don�t really enjoy doesn�t sound like fun, I did have a good time. Afterwards we headed to a house party where I knew no one and didn�t make an effort to meet anyone. At some point during the evening cute boy started giving me the eye. It stirred up quite a mess of thoughts, some giddy and happy, some skeptical and confused. By the time the evening was over I wondered if I created the whole situation in my head and it had never really happened at all. I�ve never known myself to be delusional in that sense though, so I�m pretty sure it really happened. After we got bored of the party we headed back to Beth and Emmett�s where we hung out until almost everyone was asleep. Apparently Allie and I were both expecting the other person to say when they were ready to go, so afterwards I felt a bit silly and worried that we overstayed our welcome. So Friday was fun but somehow made me neurotic.

Saturday I slept for a bit, then did homework and went into work for a while. There was a tentative plan to hang out with the same group as the previous evening but the phone call never came. But another one did. Early in the evening the phone rang and a confused looking Allie handed it to me. When I answered it I recognized the voice as that of Tom � someone I had dated a few years ago who very abruptly picked up and moved to Colorado without feeling the need to tell me ANYTHING. Yeah, really. So here he is, calling out of the blue and letting me know that not only is he in the state, but he�s at his Grandma�s house which is coincidentally about a mile from my place. Since I haven�t seen him in years and I didn�t have shit else to do, I picked him up and hung out with him. I showed him around to my work and my new place and then spent the rest of the evening just chatting about what�s been going on with our own lives. He soon begins dropping hints that there�s more he wants to talk about. Being about 99% sure what he was going to say I attempted to avoid the conversation. But when he sat for an extended period of time looking very perplexed I finally encouraged him to spit it out where he promptly apologised for his actions in the past and confessed that he still thinks about me. I told him that you can�t change the past and no, there would never be another chance, but I do appreciate the apology. He seemed disappointed but slightly relieved to have gotten this off his chest. Speaking of his chest, he had coincidentally recently tattooed with the word that my name means. Fucking random. When I revealed that to him and teased him about it he said he actually thinks it�s kind of cool. Wow. I dropped him back off and got a nice hug and a forlorn goodbye.

Then I promptly went home and got some sleep. About 16 delicious hours of it. When I woke up Allie and I brought the cats over to the new place to let them poke around a bit before we completely uproot them. Ouch, what a hassle that was. Devlin flipped the fuck out the whole car ride there, breaking his claws on the bars of his carrier and scratching every part of me he had access to in such a desperate attempt to escape. Once there he cried and cried unless I was sitting right next to him or holding him. I love my cat, but he has THEE most unbearable cat voice I�ve ever heard. And I�m sure it bothers me less than it bothers other people considering he�s my baby and I love him. But seriously, it is frustrating as fuck to listen to. After a while we headed back home where he flipped out again, this time getting some blood on Allie�s seats, crap! I think I need to get him a different carrier that he can�t get his paws through and take him out more often so he�s not so insane when I do.

When we got back home we wanted to get out of the house so we headed to Alex�s dads house where I was served Jesus pop (tasted , I swear) and we hung out till about midnight.

The rest of the weekend you can just fill in the blanks with the usual harrasment from Daniel, who is truly making his best attempt to make me feel as shitty and miserable as possible at this point. Not as if I expected anything otherwise, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.



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