Lately I've been contemplating deleting this diary. My main concern in doing so is that afterwards I might feel isolated from people and the connections I've made through this site. I may end up just changing the look of it (it�s long overdue for a facelift) and deleting everything prior to the present.

When I think back to 2001, the person I was then and the reason I started this diary... it just doesn't seem to make sense to keep it going. The last 2-3 years especially have largely involved suppression of different aspects of my identity. Recently I've had the freedom to express myself without anyone trying to influence my ideas and opinions. This brought about the realization that so many years of repression has changed my thought process. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is having the resources to form intelligent thoughts while remaining in a perpetual state of neutral? I so badly want to care about something (anything!). I've spent a good deal of time in my life waiting for someone to come along and save me. I think there�s still a part of me that continues to do so, but I feel it getting smaller with every bit of knowledge I gain and each time I recognize something new about myself (which seems to be happening more frequently).

So maybe...(did I mention my horrible indecisiveness?) Maybe I�ll be saying goodbye to this page soon. Maybe I�ll start a new chapter. Maybe I�ll use my real name. Because you know, ludicn has no meaning, while Asha means hope. And while hope is frightening for me, it�s an intrinsic part of taking the risks necessary to change.